Catch of the Day: Coaches

        I just heard that a friend of mine has taken over the coaching of her team.  I’m thrilled for her and for the team!  She knows her derby and knows how to guide people into putting that knowledge to good use on the circuit – but just as importantly, she’s a fair-minded person who treats people with respect.  That is a great catch, as coaches go.
        I’m fortunate that all of the teams I’ve been closely associated with have made very ‘good catches’ as coaches, but there is a wide variety of species swimming through the derby world.  (Please note:  English grammar demands I pick a gender for my pronouns.  Don’t read any more into my choices than that, as each species comes in multiple genders in Nature’s usual way.)
        Perhaps the most distinctive common species is Coach Right.  He’s always right.  About everything. He knows the perfect interpretation of every rule in every situation … in fact, he knows how the rules should have been written in the first place, far better than those losers at WFTDA or MRDA or USARS or whatever.  He instantly deduces the perfect strategy in every situation.  If everyone just followed his advice, the world would be a perfect place.  And how easy it would be to follow his wisdom, because he shares it So Freely!  Anyone who disagrees on any point is clearly a moron.  I guess I should stop writing about him now, since I’m too much of a moron to understand his greatness.
        Maybe you’ve met the character I call Coach Mayor.  She’s named after the Mayor in The Nightmare Before Christmas – you know, the one with two faces?  She must want people to think she’s nice, because she Is very nice to refs, fans, and casual acquaintances.  But…Hello?  Coach, we can hear you screaming insults at your skaters.  And may I point out that yelling “You suck!  You’re useless!  That sucked!” repeatedly is Not useful feedback?  Blockers understand that when they keep seeing the opposing jammer’s backside lap after lap, it sucks.  We’d really appreciate hearing something that would help us Stop it.
        What I don’t get about Coach Mayor how she keeps skaters within shouting distance.  I’d last about half a practice; there is no way I’m spending my free time being belittled and screamed at even if Coach Mayor has the best derby brain in twenty states and can leap a whole pack in a single bound.  Heck, Quadzilla can do that plus be a nice guy and good coach.  Cut the line on this catch and let it keep the hook as you slide it back into the sea; it’s poisonous.
        Fortunately, Coach Bliss seems to be pretty rare.  His full name is Ignorance Iz Bliss.  You can see knowledgeable people are talking to Coach Bliss when they spend half the conversation with their heads cocked to one side like a puzzled dog.  You can almost hear their thought:  “Really??  You think that?”  I heard one of the skaters ask why the other team would scrum start; what’s the point?  Coach Bliss informed her that it was so the jammers could step out of bounds and cut the entire pack without penalty – without a pack there’s no cutting calls!  Ooooooohhhhhhhhh… yah, I didn’t know that.  Really??
        Coach Deerin Headlights doesn’t know much about the game yet either, but she’s usually coaxed into her position by a team member (probably captain) who is effectively coaching herself.  Deerin may end up being a great catch or not, but there’s no harm done either way.  Similarly, the catch may include species that never skated, that speed or hockey or figure skate, that were team stars or marginal bouters; that specialize in challenging or specialize in supporting; that manage every detail or believe in letting the skaters self-manage where possible; that are the face of the team or go forth in camo.  The variety makes for better flavor overall, but you don’t know if you’ve got a keeper or not until you know more about them than that.  Don’t know if you’ve got a keeper?  People, there are lots of very fine fish in this sea.  Most of the coaches I’ve had contact with are, in fact, keepers.  Yeah, judging people by their individual merits….that’s an idea.